Plots Weren't Provided!
by Sovios Falchion Romantic
Summary: Umm... there's no sex or anything. It did well at so Inviso asked me to upload it here. It has no plot whatsoever, but it's funny, so enjoy. Read and review, s'il vous plait! Is that spelled right?
1. It Ain\'t a Lemon!

PWP Episode I: IT AIN'T A LEMON!  
By: Bob8939 

Note: I am not trying to portray Zelda as a slut, (at least, not in THIS fic )  
but anyhoo, on with the disclaimer!

DIS FREAKIN' CLAIMER: I FREAKIN' DON'T FREAKIN' OWN FREAKIN' ZELDA, YOU FREAKIN'  
FREAKY FREAKS, BUT I AM FREAKIN' FREAKIN' OUT CAUSE YOU FREAKS THINK I FREAKIN'  
DO, MAN!

Skull Kid: YOU'RE A FREAK DUDE.

And Katt and all Breath of Fire trademarks are property of Capcom. YOU GUYS RULE! Oh yeah, I don' own Space ghost or the Brak show or any o' that other crap that ain't good enough to be called crap, and indicate thought, and anything spoken in capitals, unless either without an exclamation point or else otherwise noted, is yelling. ALL IMproper CaPiTaLiZaTiOn is INTENTIONAL.

WARNING: Filled with perverted comments, cussing, pandemonium, and other sht that'll rot your brains. Have fun kids! Oh yeah, and although it's not Zelda,  
(because, come on, that's just too easy)I do portray someone as a slut, BECAUSE IT'S SO FRIGGIN' FUN!

(It ain't Ruto either, so sorry to rain on your day parade, Rutobashers!)

Ruto: Well that's a relief.

Me (Bob8939, remember me? No? Well then fk you!): Well, anyway, any giga-anti-LinkRuto people who would anyway are welcome to flame me so that I can make fun of you and save your e-mail addresses for future mailbombing.  
Because Link and Ruto are here!

Fat nerd otaku: But what about in your fic "Mike and Link in the Fairy Glade"  
It does have Link and Zelda, well, studying anatomy, if you will.Urkel-type laughter

Me: I was on crack when I wrote that.

Zelda: Now take off that stupid disguise, Rauru, the press conference is over!

Oh yeah, it's MALON AND THE SKULL KID! You'll see what I mean.

One day, everyone (Except Mido and Saria, they were like, um, sick. Yeah, that's it, looks around suspiciously uh, sick.) was sitting in the Hyrule Castle theater when Zelda walks in and says...

Zelda: Hey guys, let's watch the Drew Carey show awhile.

Skull Kid (Hereafter referred to as S.Kid): COOL.

Me: Skull kid, could you please stop talking in capitals? It's really messin'  
up the fic, and grammatical errors aren't cool.

S. Kid: MY BAD. So, is that why you're suddenly saying "aren't" instead of "ain't" like you usually do?

Malon: Never mind that, where are Mido and Saria?

Me: They went down to the dungeon for a little, er, time out, if you wiil...

Rauru: Zelda! Bob8939's being perverted again!

Zelda: Shut UP, Rauru!

Rauru: Yes ma'am.

Me: I AIN'T BEING PERVERTED!

Rauru: Hah! Grammatical error! You are UNCOOL!

Me: Damn grammatical errors, damn you, and damn my folly for letting you into this fic!(Yes folks, that's partially from the movie My Fair Lady. Watch it!)

(Claps hands, and Rauru leaves. Katt from BoF2 comes in.)

S. Kid: (Whispering) Hey, Bait, here's your chance! Say something!

Me: (Whispering) What are you insinuating doctor? That I have some strange fantasy about Katt? What? What? What? What what what what what shut up!

S. Kid: (Whispering) Well you do.

Me: (Whispering) That's a lie!

Katt: Hey! Are you Inviso?

Me: Y-

Zelda: There's no Inviso here.

Katt: Oh well. (leaves)

I facefault

Me (Black spotlight thing): Man... (Angry mark) Thanks a lot Zelda! You ruined my only chance of getting a date with Katt! (Is your mind rotted yet?)

Zelda: Your pen name isn't Inviso!

Me: It is at FF.N! You suck!

Zelda: Sorry. So what's with the armor?

Me: It's dragoon armor, for dragoons only.

Link: What's a dragoon?

Me: It's a class.

Zelda: Uh, you're a pervert. You have no class.

Me: NOT THAT KIND OF CLASS! And no, I AM NOT A PERVERT!

Lewis (From screen): Back, boor, slut, and pervert!

Link and I instictively step back. Many floors below, someone else also steps back.

Zelda: HA! That proves it! You ARE a pervert, and Link's a boor!

Me: Zelda, go play Romulan Roulette with a hand phaser. (Twenty Star Confederacy Buckazoids if you guess where that comes from)

UPS guy: Hey, are you Zelda Nolastname?

Zelda: Yeah.

UPS guy: Sign here please.

UPS truck leaves behind some boxes marked "Birth Control"

Zelda: What the fork! (opens box to reveal bottles marked "Contraception"  
because I like that word.) I bet there's spring snakes inside. Hrmmm  
(opens one and Space Ghost & co. come out)

S. Ghost: That is Old Hyruley Slut and she has been there!

Zelda: I AM NO SLUT! (This is true, but Space Ghost doesn't know that.)

Zorak: Yeah right. Why all the "contraception" bottles then?

Zelda: Because... (opens one. Brak comes out.) What the fudge!

Brak: I've just come out of a bottle marked contraception that was ordered by the mystery sluts! And although Zelda is not one I like to look at people's butts!(Runs off)

Brock: That... was really disturbing.

Zelda: Yeah... (opens another) AAAAAH! A MISTY D- whoa! I almost said her name!  
Where was I? Oh yeah. ACTION FIGURE! (Tosses bottle) Ah well. Next one.  
(GW comes out) What the foot!

GW: I AM GEORGE W. FRIGGIN' BUSH! I CAN'T EVEN ADDRESS THE POPE CORRECTLY BECAUSE I'M A MORON WHO SUPPORTS NUCLEAR ENERGY AND THE ONLY GOOD THING I HAVE EVER DONE WAS TO BOMB THE TALIBAN AND I WISH I WAS AS GOOD-LOOKING AS BOB8939!

Zelda:Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-  
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. (Crams him back in.)

GW: NOOOOOOOOO! FOILED ONCE MORE- er- AGAIN!

Brak: GW is a moron who likes to be a clown, and when I get really really really high, you cannot keep me down! (runs off again)

Zelda: GOOD GODDESSES WOULD IT BE SO HARD-

Rauru: ON!

All: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!

Zelda: FOR ME TO HAVE A NORMAL DAY JUST ONCE!

Din: I thought we killed her...

Nayru: Shut up, Din.

Zelda opens another bottle and Osama and that guy from Ronin Warriors that goes "Quake with Fear!" come out.

Zelda: What the fuzzy pickles!

Osama: I am Osama friggin' bin Laden!

TGFRWWG"QWF!": Quake wit' da fear, yo!

Osama bin Laden: -at my ridiculously long beard and shitty shirt!

Me: HOW DARE YOU BLOW UP THE TWIN TOWERS AND GIVE MEMBERS OF THE MUSLIM RELIGION A BAD NAME! (I'm not a member, but it still sucks. Anyway, I chase him with a morning star.)

Osama bin Laden: YOU CAN KILL ME BUT TWO MORE WILL TAKE MY PLACE! AAAAAAAAAAHH!

Saria(enters): WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUZZY IS GOING ON AROUND HERE! (sees boxes)  
Oh good, my birth control pills came in. Thanks for signin' for 'em, Zelda.  
(Yes folks, SARIA is the super mystery slut person! Thank you for playing.  
Everyone's jaws drop. Saria takes a box and leaves.)

Zelda: Hey, where did Link and Carperella go?

Link walks in looking like he just got done losing a fight

Zelda: I don't even wanna know.

Link: Good, because nonfiction lemons always suck. (leaves)

Me: Even if they didn't I have about as much intent to write one as I do to drive in New Jersey after the month of April.

Brak: Hey guys! Come look what I found, Come look what I found, Come look what I found, Come look what I found!

Everyone follows Brak into the next room where they see a scary sight involving Malon and Skull Kid!

ALL: AAAAAAAAAHH MAN, AAAAAAAAAHH! (all run screaming.)

S. Kid: What's with them? All we were doing was Tae-Bo!

Malon: Go figure.

Later...

Zelda: I MAY BE TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE, MAN!

Me: My young eyes had no constructive use for that horrible sight. (shudders)

Malon (enters): What? It wasn't like we were having sex or anything.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! FRIGGIN' HORRIFIC IMAGES, MAN!

Brak: Malon and the Skull kid, sitting in a tree, F-U-N-K-I-N-G!

S. Kid: WE WERE DOIN' FRIGGIN' TAE-BO!

Brak: Oh. Well I'm gonna go put peanut butter in the Yankees jockstraps because it'd be funny to see them goin' "Hey! We got peanut butter in our jockstraps!"(Runs off)

Me: This is getting weird...

Link: It was weird three hours ago.

Ruto: HE SPEAKS THE TRUTH!

Zelda: Hey, you know what you said about not driving in New Jersey after the month of April?

Me: Yeah, I only said that TWENTY PAGES AGO!

Zelda: Well you're too young anyway! Why don't you want to go to NJ after April?

Me: Because you-know-who will be old enough to drive by then.

Zelda: What's Voldemort-

Me: Wrong you-know-who.

Zelda: Oh. AAAAAAAH!

Saria: What happened? Are Malon and Skullkid having-

S. Kid: WE WERE DOIN' TAE FRIGGIN' BO!

Mido: Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?

S. Kid: SERIOUSLY, WE WERE DOIN' TAE FRIGGIN' BO!

All: WE KNOW, MAN!

Cardcraptors people: We suck!

All: WE KNOW, MAN!

Sailor Moon: I am Sailor Moon!

All: sarcastic no. AS IN SHT SHERLOCK, THAT IS!

Minimoon: You all suck!

ALL: SHUDDAAAP!

Kefka: That's my line! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU! Grr!

Celes: Quiet, Kefka!

Kefka (timid): Yes ma'am.

Brak: Oh give me a home, where the fine women roam, and the weirdos all come out to play, where seldom is heard, an obscene or loud word, 'cept when Zelda-

Zelda: IF YOU SAY THE WORDS "IS A BAD LAY," I AM GONNA WRING YOUR DAMN NECK!

Brak: Well, actually, it goes, 'cept when Zelda has a bad day, Home, home on the strange, where the fine women come out to play, and seldom is heard,  
an obscene or loud word, 'cept when Zelda has a bad day. (Runs off)  
Note: You can sub Zelda's name for the name of someone else who's really bitchy most of the time, as well as substituting "women" for "men all" if you're a lady. Enjoy!

Ruto: That kid gets more bizzare every time we-

Ash: I AM ASH KETCHUM FROM PALLET TOWN! SHOOT ME! (Runs away talking in capitals.)

Misty (From Pokémon, not the Zelda fic author, thank God)-

Bill Clinton: What's going on here?

Me: Just some weird stuff, Mr. Clinton.

Bill Clinton: I see. Anyway, God told me to give you this letter, so I'll be going now. (Disappears in a cloud of oregano.)

Me: Hmmm... "Dear Bob8939, You're welcome. Sincerely, God." Cool.

: Oh screw it, they don't even know who's talking anymore. (Misty disappears in a cloud of chihuauas (is that spelled right?)

All chiuahuas (in case I misspelled it the 1st time.): YO QUIERO!

All humanoids: AAAAAAAAAAHH, MAN, AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Dog 1: TORTILLAS! (Bites Link)

Link (Squeaky voice): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH! (Stabs at the dog.)

Dog 1: AAAGH! THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN, MAN!(Dies)

Dog 2: DORITOS AND PEPSI! (Tries to bite me.) AAAAAAAAAAH! (Runs off)

Me: HAHAHAHAH! You can't bite through the armor of a dragoon!

Dog 3: MEXICAN PIZZA! (Jumps Ruto, or at least tries to)

Ruto: Get off! (Shoots fire at Dog 3)

Dog 3: AAAAAGHH! (Dies)

Link (Slightly squeaky): Are you all right, Ruto?

Ruto: Of course. What happened?

Link (squeaky): That damn Taco Bell dog bit me in the family jewels. Ow.

Zelda: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY MORE THAN WE NEEDED TO KNOW!

Link: I AM IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN HERE! IF YOU'VE NOTHING HELPFUL TO SAY, GO FK YOURSELF!

Zelda: HOW DARE YOU! (Slaps Link)

Me: Hey! Guys! Whistle! Hey! We gotta find out who's behind this!

Dick Cheney: IT WAS ME!

Me: CHENEY!

Zelda: I thought you were dead!

Cheney: I was. But I got better. (I saw that on Mad Jack the Pirate, if anyone cares.) Now I shall sick my army of Taco Bell dogs (since I can't spell "ch'c6-wa-wa" (I put 'c6 there 'cause I couldn't find a schwa.)) upon you!

Two dogs come out.

Cheney: Wha- who killed 1 and 3?

Link and Ruto raise their hands, or at least the ones not in each other's back pocket. What? They HAVE no back pockets? All: EEEEEEEEEWWW!

Cheney: DAMN YOU! (Disappears in a cloud of curry powder.)

Dog 2: In the immortal words of Yusuke Yuromeshi, "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Dog 4: QUESADILLAS! (Lunges at me)

Me: I think not. (Jumps up into the air)

Dog 4: Huh! Squish!

these eight blank lines are intentionally here.

Me: That is why I chose dragoon! (Does Cloud's sword-twirling thing with spear.)

400 line mark: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

Dog 2: Hi, Carson! (Jumps Zelda)

Zelda: YOU FREAK ON A LEASH! (Pun fully intended, thank you.) (Stabs Dog 2)

Dog 2: CRAPNESS! (Dies)

Link: Well, that's that.

Zelda: Is this fic oven- er, over yet?

Me: Nope.

Zelda: CRAP.

Me: I told you not to talk in capitals! Hey! This fic is almost exactly twenty-five page-downs long!

Zelda: That's nice. coughcoughpervertcough

Me: Okay, so I am. BUT PROUD OF IT!

Link: Be that as it may, THIS FIC IS TOO LONG, MAN!

Me: It'll be longer still once I get some new ideas. Later, all you peeps not of the marshmallow variety.

2bc!


	2. The new guy!

Plots Weren't Provided!  
Episode 2: The New Guy

By Sovios Falchion Romantic

Scene: The room in which the last chapter took place. Link and Zelda are there along with some of the other characters.

Zelda: Hey Link, go get us some pizzas.  
Link: Uh, okay.

:Link walks out into the hall. A guy in a bomber jacket appears and starts running toward him.

Guy: Whoa! LOOK OUT, MAN!

:CRASH! Link goes fying down the hall and crashes into a wall.

Link: Ow.  
Guy: You should watch where I'm going, Link.  
Link: Who are you and how do you know my name?  
Guy: Dude, you're famous, remember? Everybody knows your name. And as for who I am, I think we'd better wait until everybody's here to explain. Anyway, let's go. :Picks Link up by the head like a 2x4 and carries him back into the room:  
Zelda: Who the hell are you?  
Guy: I'm the new guy. :Does the crazy-eyes. Nobody flinches: I gotta work on that... anyway, my name's Sovios.  
Zelda: Why do I get the feeling that that's just the first part of some infinitely queer 3-part name?  
Sovios: Well, my full name's Sovios Falchion Romantic...

:Lightning:  
:Thunder:

:Bat screams:

Zelda: As I suspected.  
SoFaRo: Umm... okay... Anyway! Lemme just get my guitar, and... :An Ibanez GRX20 appears in a stand a few feet away: There we go.

:For some reason, Irvine and Squall enter. Squall picks up the guitar and they begin playing "Dueling Banjoes". The Dragoons enter.

Kongol: Kongol no like strange plunking sounds.  
Dart: Me neither! Flaaaaaaaaaame... SHOT!

:Irvine, having 100 Firagas Junctioned to elem-def, absorbs the attack and unloads 50 Fire Ammo into Dart before he and Squall smack him in the head with fish and leave.

Dart: Ai yi yi...  
Shana: Dart! Are you okay?  
Dart: Sí.  
Miranda: Oh no!  
Shana: What, what?  
Miranda: Dart's speaking the Ancient Demon Language!  
SoFaRo: No-  
Shana: Oh no! Dart's becoming an ancient demon!  
Dart: No soy un diablo!  
SoFaRo: No, it's-  
Miranda: We must act quickly to save him!  
SoFaRo: Uh, Miranda? How much CRACK are you SMOKING!  
Miranda: What are you talking about?  
SoFaRo: He ain't possessed by an ancient demon, he's just speaking Spanish.  
Miranda: So how do we cure him?  
fish again, I guess.  
Dart: No me gustan los pescados!  
Miranda: What did he say?  
SoFaRo: Uh, he said he don't like fish.  
Shana: I could've told you that!  
Miranda: You can speak Spinach? Great, now we don't need this idiot anymore!  
SoFaRo: Aaaaaargh::Punches through a wall: I gotta get out of here before I kill someone. :leaves through the gaping hole:  
Zelda: ...so who's gonna fix my wall?

2bc!

Will Zelda's wall ever be fixed? Will Dart ever stop speaking Spanish? And where's that pizza! The answers to all this and more on the next toilet-flushing episode of:

PLOTS WEREN'T PROVIDED!

PS: Billy Corgan rules!


	3. Insert title here!

Plots Weren't Provided!  
Episode 3: Insert title here!  
By: Sovios Falchion Romantic! 

Disclaimer: I don't own sh-t.

Scene: The United States Pot Office, Burgettstown, PA. SoFaRo is inside.

SoFaRo: Goddammit, there's always a line... HEY GERT, MOVE YOUR ASS!  
"Gert":Turns around: My NAME is Riku, you ass!  
SoFaRo: Gasp! YOU! DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING YOU ARE! TAKE THIS :Summons FF6's Ragnarok Esper:  
Rag'rok: Better off as the Venus Gospel :Transforms Riku into said spear:  
SoFaRo: Picks up the spear: Huh. And I thought it would be something useless, like a Dark Sword.  
V.Gospel: Useless! I tell you what-  
SoFaRo: AAAAAAH! POSSESSED SPEAR:Throws the Venus Gospel through the ceiling and into the sky. It comes down in pre-rocket Rocket Town:  
Boy: Hey, a spear! This will go great with that sword that just came crashing down!  
V.Gospel: Hey, wait a minute-  
Yoshiyuke: Riku, is that you?  
V.Gospel: Sora? How'd you get here? Wait, don't tell me: Some weirdo summoned this sword thing,  
turned you into a weapon, and then threw you here, right?  
Yoshi.: Yeah, how'd you know? Oh my God, you can read minds!  
V.Gospel: Oh my God, I can! We're gonna be rich!  
Boy: Hey, weapons don't talk around here, punks!

Scene: The United States Pot Office. SoFaRo comes running out and smashes a maul into the ground.

SoFaRo: Hey fools, this be a crime scene! Don't go in there, it's pretty bloody!

:Everyone ignores him:

SoFaRo: Bloody f--king townies... :Pulls maul out of the ground and vanishes as the Pot Office explodes with the force of 9000 farts:  
Wayne: Ohh yeah:Farts:

Scene: Zelda's room. SoFaRo enters through the gaping hole in the wall.

SoFaRo:Zell: 'Sup?  
Zelda: FIX MY WALL, SLAVE!  
SoFaRo: ExCUSE ME! I DON'T GO IN FOR THAT KINDA SH-T!  
Zelda: Sorry, I was in the moment.  
SoFaRo: ...Forgiven. :Magically fixes the wall: So, how are the Dragoons doing?  
Zelda: See for yourself...

:Shana is sitting on Dart's back as he does push-ups.:

Dart: Un mil novescientos noventa y nueve... Dos mil!  
Shana:Dismounts: So, are you cured?  
Dart: Oui!  
Miranda: Now he's speaking... $&#& I DON'T !#$#!$ KNOW!  
SoFaRo: French.  
Miranda: Not with you!  
SoFaRo: Not that kind, fool! The language!  
Dart: Oui, monsieur!  
SoFaRo: Unfortunately, that's the full extent of my knowledge of French.  
Dart: Dammit-- Hey, I'm cured!  
SoFaRo: Cool. That'll be 5G.  
Dart: I don't have that kind of money! Meru stole it while I was doing push-ups!  
SoFaRo: Look, in the immortal words of Sum 41, everybody's got their problems...

:Meru enters through the hole in the wall, followed by Kongol, who's laden down with packages.

Meru: Hi, everybody!  
All: Hi, Meru!  
Meru: Guess what? I bought presents for everybody!  
All: Woo-hoo!

:Dart gets an Ultima Weapon (the sword, not "Thief's Sword" or keyblade), Albert gets a set of encyclopedias, Shana gets a new bow, Kongol gets a Hooked on Phonics set, Miranda gets a 12-Step Guide to Anger Management, and Haschel gets a subscription to Penthouse.

Meru: Oh, Dart, here's your money back.  
Dart: Thanks! Now I can pay this jackass:Hands SoFaRo 4G:  
SoFaRo: Dude, this is only 4G. Can't you count?  
Dart: No, too many Flame Shots to the head from Dad.  
SoFaRo: Well, just give me two more coins and we'll call it even.  
Dart: But then you'll have 6G.  
SoFaRo: Well then just give me a 5G coin and I'll give these back.  
Dart: Fine. :Makes the transaction:  
Both: Heh... Sucker!

:Rauru comes bursting in through the recently-fixed wall and starts doing a striptease

Rauru: I'm, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts.  
SoFaRo: Oh, HELL NO:A blade slides out of the top of SoFaRo's wrist and he tries to impale Rauru in it in the true Raziel style, but it glances off: The hell!  
Rauru: Heeheehee! That tickles!  
SoFaRo: Yeah, well, will it tickle when I explode you:Starts chanting an arcane spell: Sangros Tide:The spell bounces off Rauru and hits Zelda, exploding her in a gory fashion.: Oh, f--k...  
Rauru: Heeheehee, my durable fat exterior shields me from all direct magics!  
SoFaRo: Yeah, well, does it shield you from THIS:Rises up into the air and causes the ground underneath Rauru to explode, sending him flying through the ceiling into the sky:  
Rauru: Wheeeeee! Team Rauru's blasting off again!  
SoFaRo: Urgh... :lands and passes out:

:A few hours later:

SoFaRo:Awakens to see Zelda standing over him: Fryd dra vilg? E druikrd E pmaf oui ib!  
Zelda: Umm... what?  
SoFaRo: Sorry, that was in Al Bhed. I said, "What the f--k? I thought I blew you up!"  
Zelda: Oh. Yeah, well, I had a fairy in a bottle with me.  
Navi:Muffled: HELP! LEMME OUT!  
Zelda: QUIET!  
SoFaRo: So THAT'S what happened to that annoying bitch... Well, at least you're okay. I'd hate to have Link after me.  
Zelda: He's right behind you.  
SoFaRo: What:whirls around: AAAAAAAAACK!  
Link: ...'sup?  
SoFaRo: I didn't mean to! REALLY!  
Link: Ah, it's alright. Just don't do it again.  
SoFaRo: Phew.  
Link: Oh, and thanks for getting rid of Rauru. Ever since I saved Hyrule, he's been a huge pain in the ass.  
SoFaRo: Yeah, well, it nearly killed me. I think we're gonna hafta call in someone stronger.  
Link: Stronger than an Author? What could be that strong?  
SoFaRo: A daemon.  
Zelda: NO WAY! You are NOT stinking up MY castle with some sh-tty daemon!  
SoFaRo: Well, you don't have to be racist, Zelda.  
Zelda: How is hating daemons racist?  
SoFaRo: Oh, how is it not! They can't help being born what they are!  
Zelda: Hmph.  
SoFaRo: Look, I'm gonna send for one, and that's that. Or would you rather see Rauru naked?  
Zelda: Aaaah! Okay, daemon then. Jesus...

2bc!

Next time!

The daemon arrives!  
+ SoFaRo falls in love (yes, even the strongest men succomb to the virus that is love...)

All this and not much more on the next episode of:

PLOTS WEREN'T PROVIDED!  
(:Chapelle:...BITCH!)


	4. The daemoness arrives!

Plots Weren't Provided!  
Episode 4: The daemon arrives!  
By that infamous household product known as Sovios Falchion Romantic! 

Note:Yes, I know, the fic probably looks like hammered sh-t. It's not my fault, though; decided to engage in unadulterated toolbaggery and strip off all my extra spaces, double colons, etc., and that's why it's all f--ked up. If you want to see how it's supposed to look, check out my website sometime in the near future. I'll have my fics up there soon, I promise.

Scene: Zelda's living room. Everyone's watching Mystery Men(greatest superhero comedy EVER!).

Zelda: Hey, Sovios, didn't you say that daemon was coming today?  
SoFaRo: Daemoness, actually.  
Zelda: Come again?  
SoFaRo: A female daemon. They sent one to help.  
Link: Why not a male daemon?  
SoFaRo: Don't ask me. Anyway, as long as she's not too much of a bitch to take orders, I'm happy.  
:The daemoness, an anthropomorphic tigress, enters through the door. Since everyone's watching the TV, which is opposite the door, nobody notices at first until she introduces herself as Angel Dantes.

Angel: Hey, which one of you is Sovios Falchion Romantic?

:Lightning:  
:Thunder:  
:Bat screams:

Zelda: Um, that'd be this jackass. :points to SoFaRo:  
SoFaRo:Glares at Zelda: Gee, thanks. :Stands up: Anyway, let me just say-- :turns around to face her / Drooooooool: ...you're hot.  
Angel: Wow, and you're not.  
SoFaRo: Yeah, I know... Anyway, can you follow orders?  
Angel: I suppose so.  
SoFaRo: All right, then we should get along fine. Wanna watch the rest of Mystery Men with us?  
Angel: Eh, all right. :Sits down: So where's this Rauru thing you want me to get rid of?  
Zelda: He should be here any day now.  
SoFaRo: Last time we saw him, he was "blasting off again"  
Angel: Righty-o... What's he look like?  
SoFaRo: Ever seen a bald sumo wrestler with a grey beard and a robe?  
Angel: Oh. Yeah, I think I geisha-ed for one of those.  
SoFaRo: YOU were a geisha?  
Angel: Not really, but I had to play one for this weirdo who hired me.  
Zelda: What exactly were you being hired to do?  
Angel: ...well, I WASN'T turning tricks for some human, I can tell you that much. Zelda: Okay, okay.  
SoFaRo: So what WERE you doing?  
Angel: Well, if you must know, I was performing in a play.  
SoFaRo: YOU can act?  
Angel: Of course I can act. Right now I'm acting like I actually wanna be here.  
SoFaRo: Cold as ice.  
Angel: Actually, I'm a total pyro.  
SoFaRo: Hmm... I'm a poison kinda guy, myself.  
Angel: YOU, a poison guy?  
SoFaRo: Hey! No hypocrisy! If I can't emphasize the word you, neither should you!  
...hey, do you like irony?  
Angel: Are you kidding? I LOVE irony! It's the-  
Both: Highest form of art!  
Angel: Wow, that was... weird.  
SoFaRo: Yeah, we should get along all right.

:Tony Danza walks in:

Danza: And-- wait, where am I?  
SoFaRo: You're in Hyrule.  
Danza: ...I gotta fire my travel agent... :Leaves:  
Angel: Well... that was... pointless.  
SoFaRo: Sorry, I forgot how this chapter originally went when I started re-typing it. :To the audience: Laters!  
Angel: Wait, tell me this isn't a fanfic!  
SoFaRo: Sorry, it is.  
Angel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!  
SoFaRo: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...

Next time!

I show off my mad skills on the guitar! (Well, more like BAD skills, really...)

Angel's innermost perversion is revealed! (...sort of.)

Link freaks out!

All this and very little more on the next tepid episode of...

PLOTS WEREN'T PROVIDED!  
(Gimme a Hell Yeah!)


	5. The hell?

PLOTS WEREN'T PROVIDED!

Episode 5: The hell?

By: Sovios Falchion Romantic!

Scene: Zelda's room. Link and Zelda are sitting on the bed.

Zelda: Hey Link, are you bored?

Link: Yeah, you?

Zelda: Seriously.

Link:gets an idea: Well then why don't you come here and let daddy make it right...

Zelda: That's just creepy... but okay. Do you have the things?

Link: ...um, no.

Zelda:Bap: How many times do I have to tell you! NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

Link: ...Damn you, rhyming phrases:Link walks out of the room to go buy some

prophaleptycs (SP?) and if you don't know what those are you should shoot yourself

in the head with an AK-47 because you are a retard. They're CONDOMS, people!

USE THEM IF YOU'RE GONNA F--K SOMEONE:

Scene: Zelda's living room. SoFaRo's standing around and playing guitar while Angel sings. When you see this symbol, Link enters+

SoFaRo: Pretty good, but do you know this one:Starts playing a certain Blink 182 song:

Angel:Grins: You sick punk. + I, wanna f--k a dog in the ass/I wanna f--k a dog in the ass/I wanna f--k a dog! (That's right, kids)

Link: YOU SICK BITCH!

Angel: Hey! ONLY BEINGS WHOM I FK ON A REGULAR BASIS MAY CALL ME A BITCH!

Link: So only dogs can call you a sick bitch? Well then woof woof, you're a sick bitch!

Angel: Oh yeah:Scratches Link for 9999 damage:

Link: Yeah:Slashes Angel for 9 damage:

This goes back and forth for a while until SoFaRo plays "Zero" by The Smashing Pumpkins, reducing Link and Angel's HP to zero.

Angel:Gets up: Wow. Not bad.

SoFaRo: How are you able to recover so quickly?

Angel: I have a Rebirth Ring on. :Revives Link: Hey, go do whatever you

were doing.

Link: Sure thing, Lady Pervert. :Leaves:

Angel: What a dumbass. How did he ever manage to save anything?

SoFaRo: Don't ask me.

:Gokule walks in

A + S: Oh my god, it's a 70's porn star dude!

Gokule:Sweatdrop:Leaves:

:Link returns, singing

Link: I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and GAY!

SoFaRo: So, like, I don't have a problem with it or anything, but...

Link: I'm NOT GAY!

Angel: Then why do you suck?

Link: I DON'T SUCK!

SoFaRo: Are you sure there, Mr. TV?

Link: ...Television?

Ruto:Jumps out of the fountain: Oh no, you did NOT just call MY Link a transvestite!

SoFaRo: And what would you do... if I just did? Young LAdy...

Angel: That was rather obscure, Sovi.

SoFaRo: You, Angel, are just lucky you're cute.

Ruto: A-HEM! CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO ME!

SoFaRo: Sure. :Causes Ruto to turn into a gerbil: You were saying?

Ruto: Squeak!

SoFaRo: Oh, fine, I'll turn you back. :Snap:

Angel: You can't speak gerbil.

SoFaRo: No, but usually the first thing someone who's been turned into a gerbil wants is to be turned

back.

Ruto: So, Link, what's in the bag?

Link: Umm, nothing!

Ruto: It doesn't look like nothing, it looks like something.

Link: ...condoms.

Ruto: Oh, for me? Link, you know I'm on the pill! But, hey, let's go anyway:Starts dragging Link off

by the arm towards a random room:

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

:The door closes behind them, and we can no longer hear Link scream:

Brock: That...was really disturbing.

SoFaRo: You say everything is really disturbing.

Brock: Everything is! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH:Starts running around in circles until SoFaRo

sends him back to the Pok‚mon world.:

Meanwhile, back in Springfield...

Comic book guy:sitting at a computer reading this: ...Worst PWP ever!

:Sorry, I forgot how this chapter originally went, too.:

2bc!

On the next episode!

The attack of the Religious Right! (Bastards!)

Rauru returns!

SoFaRo does something useful!

All this and not much more, on the next episode of:

PLOTS

WEREN'T

PROVIDED!

(Democrats rule! Liberals forever! Peace out!)


	6. Attk of the Religious Right!

Plots Weren't Provided!

Episode 6: The Attack of the Religious Right!

By the REAL Antichrist, SOVIOS FALCHION ROMANTIC! (Screw Marilyn Manson!)

Note: This one is quasi-serious at times, so be careful.

Lemme see here, I guess I should throw in a disclaimer...

Diss Claymore: Eye dew knot own Zell Duh, or the Religious Rite. I dew own Angel and mice elf. Kay-o?

Scene: Hyrule field, late at night. Angel is out fighting the Stalchildren.

Angel: 548... 549... 550! Hah! I TOLD Sovios that it was possible to kill 550 in one night! Woo-hoo:Starts jumping up and down:

:Unbeknownst to her, Sovios is watching from a telescope mounted in the high tower of Hyrule Castle. Luckily for him, Angel doesn't wear much more than is necessary. Boingy boingy boingy! Heheh!

SoFaRo: Um, Rico? Do you mind getting the story back on track here?

:Oh, sorry. Angel is heading toward the river that comes out of the left side of Hyrule Castle, when suddenly...

Angel:Whistling nonchalantly:

:I said, SUDDENLY!

Angel: Oh yeah. AAAAAAAH!

:That's right! A bunch of rednecks ambush her! SoFaRo sees this through the telescope, runs to the stairs going out of the

tower, slides down the railing, and lands at the bottom, dizzy. He then runs into

Zelda's living room, where she's sitting up watching infomercials. Why? I don't know!

Maybe because she's crazy:

SoFaRo: Zelda! Hey! You've gotta open the castle gates!

Zelda: Why?

SoFaRo: Because Angel's trapped out there with a bunch of hicks!

Zelda: She'll be fine.

SoFaRo: Well, I hope you know where to find a new gate... :Leaves:

Zelda: Huh? He better not be serious...

Scene: The entrance/exit of Hyrule Castle Town. SoFaRo has his arm-blade out.

SoFaRo: I've always wanted to say this... :Flame Hyenard: Burn to the ground:Does

Seifer's Bloodfest limit break on the drawbridge. It shatters into pieces, and SoFaRo

jumps across the moat and runs to where Angel is:

Hicks: Kill the daemon!

SoFaRo: Yo! The HELL you doing!

Hick: We're killing a dirty no-good daemon!

SoFaRo: It takes this many of you to kill one daemon! What kind of pussies are you!

Hick: What, you some kinda freak-lover!

SoFaRo: Why are you even trying to kill her!

Hick: Because she's a daemon!

SoFaRo: Yeah, and I'm an asshole, what's your point!

Hicks: ... Kill the asshole!

SoFaRo: Sh-t... Hey Angel, you okay over there?

Angel: Hell NO!

SoFaRo: Oh well. :Assumes fighting stance: Bring it, sisterf--kers:Rises up into the air

and emits a green flash. Everyone and everything except SoFaRo and Angel stops.:

Angel: Nice move.

SoFaRo:runs over to her: Can you stand?

Angel: Not really.

SoFaRo: Okay, I'll carry you. :Picks her up: Oof!

Rico: DAMN, GIRL, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING!

SoFaRo: You're early, Rico. But, while you're here, slash these guys up good, eh?

Rico: Right:Whips out a gunblade and starts slashing at them while SoFaRo carries

Angel to the ruined gates.:

Angel: So how long's that spell supposed to last?

SoFaRo: A little while longer. How come you weigh so much?

Angel: It's all muscle, I tell you!

SoFaRo: Well, whatever. Wait here while I repair the drawbridge. :Sets Angel down:

Hicks: Hold it!

SoFaRo: What the--:whirls around: How did you survive?

Hicks: It takes more than that to kill the Religious Right! Besides, we're doing God's work!

SoFaRo: NEVER say you're working for MY god! MY god is not a prejudiced hick, not are his

servants!

Hicks: Well we're not working for your god, we're working for the REAL God!

SoFaRo:Limit Break: RrrrrrRRRGH! DIE:Double-casts FFIX's Doomsday on the

hicks, followed by double-casting FFVIII's Meteor on them:to Angel: That should

stop them for now. :Magically repairs the bridge, carries Angel across, and shuts

it: Oh, right. :casts Full-cure on Angel and sets her down:

Angel: Ah, thanks. Well, let's head back to the castle.

SoFaRo: Yeah. :They start walking:

Angel: By the way, what do you want your reward to be?

SoFaRo: Hmm?

Angel: You know. Save a daemon's life and you get a reward.

SoFaRo: Umm... can we be friends?

Angel: Friends? Not boyfriend and girlfriend? Huh.

SoFaRo: Well, if you WANT to be, that's fine, but I didn't think you'd want to...

Angel: Don't get me wrong, I mean, I don't, but... It's just nice to know that there are

humans who aren't just about getting the reward and all that.

SoFaRo: Do I look like a corporate clone?

Angel: Yeah, that's true. :They arrive at the castle: Well, goodnight.

SoFaRo: Yeah. Don't go out alone anymore, okay?

Angel:grins: Tch, fine. Later. :Heads in one direction:

SoFaRo: See you tomorrow. :Heads in the opposite direction:

Angel:pauses and turns around: ...hey, Sovios. You know how to program a VCR?

SoFaRo:stops: Oh, yeah. It's pretty easy. You just--

Angel: Umm, I'm more of a visual learner. Could you come show me how it's done?

SoFaRo:turns around: Hm:receives a wink: Oh, sure. :Follows Angel back to her room:

:Scene: A kitchen somewhere in the world. Some weird chick is holding a spoon with honey dripping from it.:

W.Chick:holding spoon: Why am I suddenly in the fic:Is crushed by a Monty Python foot:

:Scene: A beach somewhere. A dog jumps in the air and catches a Frisbee.:

Dog:Muffled by the Frisbee: Woof!

Guy: Why are we here? I don't know, I just suddenly felt like throwing a Frisbee on a beach.

Dog: Ruff!

Guy: Huh? You don't say.

:Scene: A fireworks display. Pan downwards to show some guys lighting bottle rockets:

Guy 1: Hey, Mac, why are we setting off these fireworks again? It's not even the 4th of July yet.

Mac: I don't know. How did we even get here, Buddy?

Buddy: Let's see... :Skims through the fic from the beginning: Holy crap!

Mac: What, what:Skims the fic: ...that SLUT!

Buddy: Yeah, not to mention the girl!

:Scene: Angel's room:

SoFaRo:Groan:

Angel: Quit complaining. I didn't force you to do this.

SoFaRo:Programming the VCR: I didn't think you actually wanted your VCR programmed! You know, when people wink like that, they're usually horny...

Angel: Well, maybe you'll like this movie. I know how you guys work.

SoFaRo: Oh, so you wanted to have a movie going, eh...:presses play:

TV: Time for Teletubbies!

SoFaRo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH:Passes out:

Angel:Busts out laughing, then turns off the TV and goes to bed:

:The next day...:

Zelda:Running down the hall: Angel! SoFaRo! Wake your asses up! Rauru's in the kitchen eating everything!

Angel: Mmm? Oh, right. : jumps out of bed and runs up the stairs to the kitchen:

SoFaRo: Wait up!

Scene: The kitchen. Rauru's eating everything, like Zelda said.

Rauru: Mmm, refrigerator...

Angel:Mocking: Mmm, Homer...

Rauru: Gasp! Who the hell are you?

Angel: I'm Angel Dantes, bitch!

SoFaRo:Arrives, panting for breath: I'm too out of shape... And you already know who I

am, right?

Rauru: Um, no.

SoFaRo: Well then f--k you too, asshole!

Angel: How did you manage to get so fat?

SoFaRo: ...Rico!

Rico: Oh yeah! DAMN, GIRL, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING!

Rauru: Refrigerators!

SoFaRo: Rauru, you're the ugliest girl I've ever seen.

Rauru: Tee-hee!

Angel: Ugh... NOBODY LAUGHS LIKE THAT! YOU ARE AN INSULT TO ALL WOMEN! DIE!

:Does a Purple Magickal Attack on him:

Rauru: Gasp! I cannot win! But you haven't seen the last of me:Rolls past Angel and

SoFaRo and down the stairs.:

Angel: Should we go after him?

SoFaRo: Nah. Nice job, though.

Angel: Thanks.

:Saria and Mido come running up the stairs:

Saria: ExCUSE ME!

SoFaRo: What?

Saria: WHY haven't WE been in the fic AT ALL since you took over!

SoFaRo: Because you're annoying and small.

Mido: Hey! Diss not the forest sage!

SoFaRo: You know, Inviso came up with that phrase.

Mido: Oh, really?

SoFaRo: Besides, you two are totally freaky. You're like, ten years old and you f--k all the

time.

Mido: Not ALL the time--

Saria: QUIET:Cracks a whip:

Mido: Yes, mistress...

SoFaRo: ...And then there's the freaky S&M sh-t you two have going...

Saria: Look, either you let us in the fic more often or I'll show THESE to everyone:Holds

up a sheaf of papers.:

SoFaRo?

Saria: They're GAY HENTAI DRAWINGS!

SoFaRo: Oh, those aren't mine. They belong to my friend, Name Changed to Protect the

Horny.

Saria: Then why are they in YOUR room!

SoFaRo: Because he left them there.

Saria: I don't care, I'll still post them all over the internet!

Angel: Not if I have anything to say about it.

Saria: And who are-- :the papers spontaneously combust: AW HOT HOT HOT:Drops

them and waves her hand around, which is on fire.:

SoFaRo: WATERGA:casts the spell on Saria, KO'ing her: ...oops.

Mido: No! Saria, speak to me!

SoFaRo: Oh relax, she's just KO'ed. Here, take her back to Kokiri Forest and use this on her.

:Hands him a Phoenix Down:

Mido: Okay:Picks up Saria and carries her out of the kitchen:

Angel:To SoFaRo: You know, this episode really wasn't that funny.

SoFaRo: It's really hard to be funny when you're trying to prove a point.

Angel: And the point is?

SoFaRo: The Religious Right is just a bunch of dumb hicks who hate the environment and

everyone who's different.

Angel: Agreed. :To you, the reader: Anyway, I think the next episode is gonan be

funnier, so don't give up on this fic:To SoFaRo: Is that what you wanted to say?

SoFaRo: Yup. Oh, and the other point was that I am too much of a sexy beast for most women to resist me.

Angel: Just keep telling yourself that, Sovi...

2bc!

On the next episode:

The FFX INVASION!

MAN EATING ANTS!

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Al this and very little else on the next somewhat amusing episode of:

PLOTS

WEREN'T

PROVIDED!

( Insert quip here! )


	7. The FFX Invasion!

PLOTS WEREN'T PROVIDED!

Episode 7: The FFX Invasion!

Oh, and I finally fixed the disclaimer. Take a look!

Disclaimer: Yuna sucks!

Yuna: I'm offended!

SoFaRo: If I had a damn, I wouldn't give it to you.

I do not own Final Fantasy X or its crappy sequel Final Fantasy X-2,

nor have I any wish to own these. Oh, and I also don't own Mega Man,

Bass, Zero, Mega Man Battle Network, or Mega Man X. I do, however, as

far as I know, own the man-eating ants. Oh yoy. (Yoy means joy)

SCENE: Some room in Hyrule Castle. Yuna, Rikku, and Paine are walking around.

Yuna: Where are we?

Rikku: When did we get here?

Paine: Why do I care?

Booming voice: YOU ARE HERE FOR THE PURPOSE OF COMPLETING THE ANTIPLOT!

Rikku: ...so, is that edible, like antipasta?

Booming voice: ...why is it that the cute ones are always stupid?

Rikku: Hey! You big meanie!

Booming voice: WHAT? ANYWAY, AN ANTIPLOT IS NOT EDIBLE, BUT IS INSTEAD A PLOT

OF A STORY THAT LACKS ALL THE STANDARD CHARACTERISTICS OF A PLOT

IN MUCH THE SAME WAY THAT AN ANTIHERO LACKS THE CHARACTERISTICS

OF A TYPICAL HERO. Much like Squall for the first half of FF8,

actually...

Paine: Do we care?

SoFaRo: Well you should!

Yuna: Hey! You're the guy who said I suck! DIE::Tries to do Trigger Happy

on SoFaRo, who dodges.:

SoFaRo: Dude, THIS is how it's done::Does Bass.exe's Air Explosion on Yuna,

reducing her HP to 1.: Okay, that was luck.

Yuna: Ow.

SoFaRo: Hey, how do you think I felt, being shot at crosswise like that?

Yuna: Yeah, but I didn't hit you!

SoFaRo: Ah, chill out.

:The following people enter the room: Lulu, Kimahri, and last but also least...

Yuna: Tidus!

Tidus: Yuna!

:Tidus and Yuna start making out, until SoFaRo blasts them with a giant Super

Soaker. (which by the way, they seem to have stopped making. WHY!)

Tidus: Hey, what's the big idea!

SoFaRo: No making out! This is a family story! (Blatant lie on my part, but eh)

Tidus: So why is it rated R?

SoFaRo: BECAUSE I LIKE TO HEDGE MY BETS! But enough of this, it's time to

get moving with the antiplot!

Zelda::Walks in: Who are these fools!

Tidus: I'm Tidus! Star of the Zanarkand Abes!

Yuna: I'm Yuna.

SoFaRo: The big lion-guy is Kimahri, the cute girl is Rikku, and the slightly

scary girl is Paine.

Paine: How am I scary!

SoFaRo: It's the eyes. They're, like, red... y'know, like blood.

Zelda: Are you staying long?

Paine: As long as the idiot makes us stay.

SoFaRo: Watch it! I could turn you into a frog like that::Snap:

:Paine turns into a frog.

SoFaRo: See::Snap:

:Paine becomes human again, but is trampled by a swarm of ants.

Paine: Rrrgh! They're biting me to death::Rolls out of the stream of ants,

covered in them: Get off me!

SoFaRo: Sorry to do this, Dart, but... :whips out arm-blade and drives it

into the ground: Explosion::Explosion is cast on the stream of

ants as well as Paine. The ants are burned to a crisp instantly.:

Paine::Blinks twice, covered in soot: What's with those ants?

SoFaRo: I don't know, maybe they're South American soldier ants.

Paine: And what do they do?

SoFaRo: They eat everything in their path.

Rikku: Scary.

SoFaRo: Tell me about it. And they aren't affected by Authorial magics at all.

Zelda: So why did you bring them here!

SoFaRo: THE THING IS, I DIDN'T! Someone must be trying to kill us! And if we

follow the ants to their source, we'll find out who...

Rikku: Here come some more...

SoFaRo: Rrrr... Flaeli! (It's from Phantasy Star IV, people.)

:The spell hits one ant.

SoFaRo: Well, it was worth a shot. Hewn! (Also from PSIV)

:Ants are blown everywhere, but not one dies. They get back into a line.

SoFaRo: $&$#&$&$#&#::Picks up a cellphone: Hey, Dart, can you come

over and use Red-Eyed Dragon on some man-eating ants? Well, I can't use

it since I'm not a Dragoon and thus can't summon any Dragon spirits.

Well then, come on over and use Divine Dragon Ball, then, I don't care!

Oh, fine, I'll think of something else... :Hangs up: Anyone know any

all-encompassing Fire spells, like Firaga-all?

Lulu: I never learned to split spells, unfortunately.

Yuna: I prefer White Magic.

Rikku: Yunie and Paine said I was too much of a danger to myself and others to

be a Black Mage.

:Everyone looks at Paine.

Paine: ...all right, I'll handle this. :Spherechanges to Black Mage: FIRAGA!

:All the ants are scorched. More begin arriving.

Paine: Sh-t. Can't you do anything?

SoFaRo: Sorry, I'm only good with poison- and death-based spells... wait a

tick! Insecticide spells! There's gotta be SOME in existance::Picks

up a spellbook: Hmm... Impotence, I already know... Incest prevention,

no... Indirect magic, no... HERE IT IS! INSECTICIDE SPELLS! All

I need is some herbs and some grape juice!

Paine: You need stuff?

SoFaRo: This is some old-school magic, Paine. It requires the use of potions

and such.

Paine: Well, why don't you just materialize some of the stuff?

SoFaRo: I can't use magic to create a magic potion! It's against the laws of

magic!

Paine: All right then, we're all screwed.

Rikku: Wait, isn't there some grape juice in the kitchen?

Zelda: Probably.

Rikku: And are there herbs in the garden?

Zelda: I guess so, why?

Rikku: Yunie, Paine... It's MISSION TIME!

SoFaRo: Oh Lord, here we go.

Rikku: So, you can go get the juice, and Paine and I can look for the herbs!

Yuna: Okay, let's do it!

:Yuna, Paine, and Rikku start to run off in random directions.

Zelda: Yuna, the kitchen's up those stairs, and you two, the garden is

that way :Jerks a thumb in the direction of the garden:

G.Wings: ...Thanks!

:The Gullwings run off in the correct directions.

SoFaRo: -.-;; Guys, we are gonna die.

2bc!

Next time!

The Gullwings finish playing Charlie's Angels!

The conclusion of these events is reached!

All this and not much more on the next badly-planned episode of

PLOTS

WEREN'T

PROVIDED!

MST3k twang


	8. Whatthehellever!

PLOTS WEREN'T PROVIDED!

Episode 8: What-the-hell-ever!

By (Who's better than Misty Margera!) SOVIOS FALCHION ROMANTIC!

Note to Misty/Misty-ites: I AM JUST KIDDING! IF I WAS SERIOUS I KNOW I WOULD BE "teh deadz0rZ" AS YOU AOL-ERS LIKE TO SAY. (BY THE WAY, WHAT EXACTLY DOES IT MEAN? I SPEAK NEITHER EBONICS NOR AOL-SPEAK, and only a little Leet-speak.)

Let's see here...

Disclaimer: Yuna still sucks!

Oh yeah, I don't own Pearl Jam's songs. Or Adam Sandler's, or Metallica's. You'll see why it's important in a minute.

SCENE: The room where all the sht that went down in the last episode occurred.

It's filling up with (MAN-EATING ANTS! AAAAAAAH!), for some odd reason.

SoFaRo: Dammit, Tidus, open the door!

Tidus: Oh, sorry. :Grabs a Blitzball out of nowhere and does a Jecht Shot on the door, opening it.:

:Umm... anyway, Lulu and Kimahri somehow escaped. How? Umm, I dunno, they used the Warp spell from FFVI? Does it really matter? Tidus, Sofaro, and Zelda are waiting it out.:

SoFaRo: I said it in the last episode, and I'll say it again: We are gonna die.

Tidus: Hey, you should have some faith in Yuna! She's pretty smart, y'know.

SoFaRo: Sure, but is she fast?

Tidus: In that outfit? Probably.

SoFaRo: Then how come it takes a Gunner's Wait Gauge so long to fill up?

Tidus: Gunner? Wait Gauge? What are you talking about?

SoFaRo: Oh, right, you never fought in FFX-2. You're used to the infinitely more logical Conditional Turn BS.

Tidus: What BS?

SoFaRo: Nevermind that, I've just had a great idea! Maybe if I convert Hyrule's BS from real-time to CTB, we'll be able to survive. :Snaps fingers: Okay, now we just need to wait. Shall we check up on the girls?

Tidus: Might as well.

SoFaRo: Cool. :Begins scrying on a conveniently-placed mirror:

:The mirror shows Rikku and Paine going around the garden, picking up every plant they find.

Tidus: How about some sound?

SoFaRo: Working on it.

:The sound fades in, like when you turn on an old fashioned radio... or, for that matter, an amp with tubes in it.:

Rikku: That SoFaRo guy's pretty weird, huh?

Paine: Definitely. He's getting hurt if we make it out of this alive.

Rikku: Do you think these herbs are what he needs:Holds up an "herb":

SoFaRo:Bursts out laughing: Zelda, I never knew you were a stoner!

Tidus: Huh?

SoFaRo: You saw that leaf! Zelda smokes the wacky-weed!

Zelda: It's my dad's!

SoFaRo: Somehow I doubt King Garkimasera--

Zelda: Harkinian.

SoFaRo: Right, what'd I say? --Somehow I doubt that the ruler of a country would be the type to use an illegal drug.

Zelda: What about George W. Bush in the '80s?

SoFaRo: Touché. Well, how's about we check on the future Mrs. Tidus and see how she's doing:the mirror's image gets all wavy, then

focuses on Yuna in the kitchen:

Yuna:Running around and looking in every cabinet but the refrigerator: Where could it be?

Zelda: Gee, maybe it's in the COLD METAL BOX!

Yuna: Gee, maybe it's in the cold metal box.

:Zelda facefaults:

Yuna: Yup, got it:Runs down the stairs:

Note from Author: What? It makes perfect sense, since they don't have refrigerators in Spira.

:Rikku, Yuna, and Paine reconvene in the room at the exact same time.:

YRP:High-fives: Mission Complete!

SoFaRo: Yeah, yeah, just give that stuff here. :Takes the pot leaf and pours

grape juice on it: Now! Vae Victus! ...wait, that's not right...

Morteus Insectae!

:A cloud of green smoke envelops the ants, and they all disintegrate:

SoFaRo: Now, if we follow the trail of dust, we should find out who's behind all this! Come on!

:Everyone (except Rikku and Paine, who don't care, for some reason) follows the trail of dust up a flight of stairs to find...

Angel: Is something wrong? (she said)

SoFaRo: Of course there is!

Angel: You're still alive. (she said)

SoFaRo: Oh, and do I deserve to be? Is that the question? And if so, if so, who answers, WHO ANSWERS! (It's lyrics from the third-greatest grunge band ever, Pearl Jam!) oh, I, I, oh, I'm still alive...

Angel: ...Are you done yet?

SoFaRo: Umm... yeah. Anyway, why'd you do it?

Angel: Because we were getting along so well, and then you had to go and call that Rikku girl cute!

SoFaRo: I call 'em as I see 'em! Or do you forget that I also called her stupid!

Angel: That doesn't make up for it!

SoFaRo: ...oh, I see how it is. Dammit:runs out of the room:

Tidus: What? How is it?

Yuna: Isn't it obvious?

Tidus: Not to me.

Yuna: I'll tell you later. :leaves the room, followed by Tidus:

:SoFaRo is in the room with Tidus' Caladbolg (that's his best weapon, if you've never played FFX).

Tidus: Dude, put down my sword!

SoFaRo: Well I can't exactly perform seppuku with my arm-blade, ya dig?

Yuna: Suicide doesn't solve anything, you know.

SoFaRo:Gives Tidus back the Caladbolg: Well what am I supposed to do? I had a chance with an INCREDIBLY hot daemoness, and I blew it! Now she won't want me at all!

Tidus: You can get her back. All you have to do is think positive thoughts!

SoFaRo: De qué hablas?

Tidus: Si piensas pensas bonitas, señoritas te querrán!

Yuna: Huh?

SoFaRo: I didn't know you spoke Spanish.

Tidus: Yeah, the fayth somehow gave me the ability when they were putting me back together.

SoFaRo: Rockin'. Are you sure it'll work?

Tidus: Absolutely! Women don't like depressed men, anyway.

Rinoa: Speak for yourself!

SoFaRo: Excuse me. :To Rinoa: YOU! DIE:Performs an Inverted Dash&Gash on Rinoa, Ejecting her from the story.:

Note: An Inverted Dash&Gash is a move I sort-of created. It's Glenn's Dash&Gash from Chrono Cross, but with the slash going upwards instead of downwards. I do it with my arm-blade, obviously.

Tidus: Who was that?

SoFaRo: Some chick who "draws out the best" in emotionally detached video game heroes. I say she ruins their kick-ass factor, but hey, what do I know?

Tidus: Well, anyway, you gonna give it another shot?

SoFaRo: But of course! After that pep-talk, I feel like I could take on Ruby Weapon!

Tidus: Who?

SoFaRo: FFVII's equivalent of Nemesis.

Tidus: Ah. Well, get going!

SoFaRo: Right! Tally ho:runs back into Angel's room:

Tidus: Hey, you dropped some of your herbs-- :is ignored: Oh well.

:Scene: Inside Angel's room.

Angel: Hmph, I wonder what's taking him so long to come crawling back to apologize for upsetting me. I hope he didn't take that attempt on his life seriously.

:SoFaRo comes walking in with an air of confidence.

Angel: You're late.

SoFaRo: I didn't come back to do that. (Hey, I DO have SOME dignity!)

Angel: Oh?

SoFaRo: I'm giving you two choices. You can either forgive me, and we'll forget this ever happened, or you can hold a grudge and turn into a bitter old crone.

Angel: Hmph. I'll think about it.

SoFaRo: Good. :Leaves: (Thinking: Oh yeah. She wants me.)

Angel: (Thinking: You know it's sad but true.) (Metallica lyric, sorry!)

:Scene: Main room. Tidus and Yuna are sitting around.

Tidus: Heh heh heh...

Yuna: Hee hee hee...

SoFaRo Ha ha ha... what the hell're we laughing for?

Tidus: I'm f--king WASTED! (do do do do)

Yuna: It's the best sh-t I ever tasted! (do do do do)

SoFaRo: That WOULD explain why you're playing backgammon naked. Good thing everything's censored in Hyrule.

Tidus: That explains a lot of the blurriness.

2bc!

On the next episode, SOMETHING will happen, but I'm not sure what. All I know is that I have the GREATEST line EVER prepared for Zelda, so keep an eye out for it!

See you next time on the next episode of...

PLOTS

WEREN'T

PROVIDED!

You better get ready!


	9. Beating a dead horse

Plots Weren't Provided!

By Sovios Falchion Romantic!

Episode 9: Beating a dead horse

Disclaimer: Yuna really sucks!

And, of course, I own NOTHING! Except Angel, Myself, and the POS computer I write this sh-t on.

I don't own Mr. Dougherty, but he's the greatest eighth-grade US History teacher I have ever had. And the only one, for that matter...

Note: I also own my kites, which are kite-shaped lightweight shields. A kite, in a geometric sense, is a quadrilateral with two pairs of adjacent, congruent sides. It just so happens that that which we call a kite is generally shaped like a kite. Oh, and I own my arm-blade too. And yes, it's sort of like one of the arm-blades used by the guy from Hellboy, only sword-length, double-edged, and shaped like the Punishment's blade from FFVIII. It also slides out of my wrist instead of flipping out like his.

Note 2: I don't think Michael did it... this time. You'll see what I mean soon enough. Well, not that it matters, since he was acquitted...

Scene: What-the-hell-ever room this sht happens in. Tidus and Yuna are walking around doing... stoner things, I don't know. They're doing a lot of this, too :Sucks in air: you know, drinking smoothies? Zelda enters.

Zelda: What the hell is going on around here?

T + Y:Hold up smoothies: WE'RE FKING WASTED!

Zelda: Well, you'd better put some clothes on. I will NOT tolerate freeballin' in my castle. :There it is, greatest line EVER:

YUA:appears: Did someone just say something bad about "Freefallin'"!

Zelda: Not "Freefallin'", freeBALLIN'.

YUA: Oh. Ugh. :snaps fingers and disappears:

SoFaRo: Ladies and gentlemen, the great Your-under-arrest!

Zelda: The hell kinda name is that?

SoFaRo: Why don't you ask him next time you see him-- oh wait, he doesn't write Zelda fics...

Zelda: And why not? It's the greatest video game EVER!

SoFaRo: Blasphemy:Bitch-slaps Zelda: Final Fantasy VII is the greatest game ever!

Zelda: Hey:Kicks SoFaRo in the nuts: Don't slap me again!

SoFaRo:Squeaky: This is TEN THOUSAND TIMES worse than a slap:Falls over:

Paine:Enters: Get up, it's go time.

SoFaRo: The hell do you want?

Paine: It's time for you to get hurt.

SoFaRo: Tch, fine. :Puts on a kite and whips out the arm-blade, assuming a defensive stance.: I'm not going easy on you just 'cuz you're a girl!

Paine: Same here.

SoFaRo: Oh, you did NOT just call ME a girl:Transforms into a Fury, which is sort of like Dante and Lucia's demon forms in DMC2.:

Angel:Walks in: Your Fury form's an archangel? You f--king pussy!

SoFury: I thought that was your nickname... :Flies in and starts slashing at Paine, who starts blocking and counterattacking and all that sh-t.:

:The duel goes on for a while. Eventually, both fighters back off.:

SoFury:panting: It seems... that a battle of strength is... useless...

Paine:panting: I guess so...

SoFury: Okay, then magic it is:Flies back up into the air: FF6 Quake! (FF6's Quake is more powerful than FF8's, and it hits allies and enemies alike.)

:The spell goes off, knocking Paine around a bit:

Paine: Not bad. :Spherechanges to Dark Knight: Black Sky!

:The spell goes off and knocks SoFaRo around a LOT:

SoFury: Owowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow:Transforms back into SoFaRo: Okay, so I lose. Does it make you happy now?

Paine: How dare you!

SoFaRo: How dare I what?

Paine: You made a reference to Mudvayne!

SoFaRo: So what! I happen to LIKE Mudvayne!

Paine: Really?

SoFaRo: At least, I like the two Mudvayne songs that I know... but the rest are probably good.

Paine: Of course they're good! Mudvayne is one of the greatest metal bands in the world! (I THINK they're a metal band...)

SoFaRo: I don't know all about that, so I can't really say, but they definitely rank up there with Slipknot and The Smashing Pumpkins in my book.

Paine: The Smashing Pumpkins were not metal!

SoFaRo: Yes they were! They were melodic art-metal, sort of like Dream Theater! At least, that's how they started out...

Paine: Name one metallic song they've written.

SoFaRo: I can name several! Geek U.S.A.! Siva! Silverf--k! Soma! Hummer! Rocket! And that's just off their first two albums!

Paine: If they're such great metal songs, why weren't they ever released?

SoFaRo: Because record labels are pussies!

Paine: How does that affect anything?

SoFaRo: The record labels decide which songs to release!

Paine: Are you sure?

SoFaRo: Pretty sure, why?

Paine: No reason. Hey, do you like (Insert name of obscure metal band here)

SoFaRo: Umm, I don't know. I probably would if I heard one of their songs. Do you like (Insert name of fairly well-known punk, metal, grunge, or other such band here)?

Paine: Yeah, they're pretty good.

:They go on like this for a while:

Tidus: Whoa!

Yuna: What?

Tidus: I'm trippin' my nuts off! I'm trippin' my nuts off!

Yuna: Stop SAYING that!

Tidus: Okay... Man, my head hurts.

Yuna: Mine too. (Can you GET a hangover from marijuana?)

Zelda: That's what happens when you partake in brain-damaging activities.

Tidus: Yeah, yeah...

SoFaRo: Oh, don't even get me STARTED on the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, I HATE them!

Tidus: What?

Paine: Yeah, they really suck! They're all show and no substance!

SoFaRo: I know! I think they're part of some government conspiracy to reduce all music into nothing but interpretive performance art!

Paine: Seriously--

:Suddenly, Brak enters out of nowhere.

Brak:Wearing green, with an Irish Accent: So, ye've forgot about ol' Seamus, have ye?

SoFaRo: Umm... I guess so. I never knew I KNEW anyone named Seamus.

Paine: Wait. :checks the script: Isn't his name Brak?

Brak: Aye. (Wait, is it the Irish or the Scottish that say "aye"?)

Paine: It says here you're supposed to sing a song, then leave.

Brak: Lemme see that... :Takes the script: mmm-hmmm... oh yeah!

SoFaRo: All right, let's start this scene over. :Snaps fingers: Rico!

Rico:Holds up the slate thingy: Brak enters out of nowhere, take 2. :Click:

:Suddenly, Brak enters out of nowhere.

Brak: Oh donny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling...

SoFaRo: Brak, St. Patrick's Day is OVER, okay! Stop pretending to be Irish!

Brak: Who's pretending, boy? I AM Irish!

SoFaRo: You're drunk, get outta here.

Brak: What's the difference:Mr. Dougherty appears out of nowhere:

Mr. D: What did you just say!

Brak: I said, what's the difference betwen being Irish and being drunk?

Mr. D: Okay, that's it:Grabs a baseball bat and chases after Brak:

Brak: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

SoFaRo: Yes, racists shall NOT be tolerated in my fanfics. That means YOU, Karl Rove!

K. Rove: F--k you, faggot.

SoFaRo: Homophobes shall not be tolerated either:Impales K. Rove on arm-blade and sucks out his soul in the true Raziel style. Well, he really has no soul, but eh.:

Angel:Gladius drawn: Awww, I wanted to do that. :Puts gladius away:

SoFaRo: Why, you have gay friends too?

Angel: Umm... sort of, yeah.

SoFaRo: Okay, cool.

:Red XIII and Yuffie walk in.

R. XIII: Are you SURE this is the movie theater, Yuffie?

Yuffie: No, not really. I think we might've made a wrong turn somewhere.

R. XIII: I knew we should have asked for directions...

Yuffie: Hey, if it were a sunny day we never would've gotten lost! We Ninja can find North just by using a few sticks and the Sun!

R. XIII: Yeah, yeah...

SoFaRo: What's with you two? You argue like an old married couple!

R. XIII: Well, we ARE dating...

Zelda: What the--!

Rico: Bestiality-ty-ty-ty-ty...! (That was an echo, just so you know.)

SoFaRo: Dammit Rico, now everyone back in B-town's gonna know you're Steve Ringer!

Rico: Well if they didn't, they will now, jackass!

SoFaRo: F--k you!

Rico: No, f--k YOU!

Both: Hmph:SoFaRo and Rico turn their backs on one another.:

Yuffie: Now who fights like an old married couple?

Both: F--K YOU TOO!

Yuffie:Shrugs: Tch, whatever. Come on, Red, let's go.

Zelda: Hey, I have a movie theater. If you perverts are gonna be permanent additions to this fic, you can watch something in there. :To SoFaRo: Are they gonna be?

SoFaRo: Sure, why not?

Zelda: Okay. :To the perverts: AND NO PORN!

Link:Enters: Um... Saria and Mido took all your porn, Zelda.

Zelda: God-DAMN horny kids! (Don't ask me why I felt it necessary to hyphenate "god-damn") :Smacks Link: How could you let them take it, they're underage!

Link: Dude, Saria's older than me.

Zelda: Well, it's still illegal! I don't wanna be charged with giving porn to minors! What am I, Michael Jackson!

SoFaRo: At this point I would like to point out that the opinions expressed in this fic are those of the characters who expressed them, and can in no way be attributed to me. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, how do you know when Michael Jackson's having a birthday party?

Zelda:Deadpan: I don't know, how?

SoFaRo: Because of all the tricycles parked outside:Rimshot. Nobody laughs.:

Link: ...What the hell's a tricycle?

SoFaRo: Wait, you have refrigerators, but not tricycles? What the f--k kind of country is this?

Link: ...The BEST KIND!

SoFaRo: Oh, pshaw...

Link: What?

SoFaRo: I said "pshaw."

Link: What's that?

SoFaRo: It basically means "yeah, right."

Link: Okay. So, what's a tricycle?

SoFaRo: It's a vehicle with three wheels that you pedal.

Link: And what's a wheel...?

SoFaRo: Oh, now you're just trying to piss me off.

Link: No, seriously, what's a wheel?

SoFaRo: ...excuse me. :Picks up Zelda and places her in front of Link: Mmkay, Zelda, you're the sage of Wisdom, so make with the wisdom here and explain to Linky Boy what a wheel and a tricycle are.

Zelda: But... that could take hours!

SoFaRo: So?

Zelda: He has to go get my porn back from Mido and Saria!

SoFaRo: ...Exactly what kind of porn is it?

Zelda: Well... it's really hentai...

SoFaRo: Oh? What kind?

Zelda: ...StarFox...

SoFaRo: Oh, you like that stuff too? Awesome.

Link: Wait, why would you look at StarFox hentai?

Zelda: Mumbles

Link: What?

Zelda: Because I HAPPEN to think Fox is HOT, OKAY!

Yuffie: And you call us perverts!

SoFaRo: Umm... technically, you are.

R. XIII: No more than she is!

SoFaRo: It's technically not bestiality if the "animal" in question is anthropomorphic.

Angel: EXCUSE ME! MAY I ASK WHY I HAVEN'T HAD ANY LINES FOR THE PAST 12.55364372865 MINUTES!

SoFaRo: Oh, my bad! Here's one. :"Stud voice": Hey baby, you ever done it with a psychopath

before? You know what they say, once you go crazy you never go back.

Angel:Deadpan: Oh, I'm smitten. Take me now.

SoFaRo: Hey, you asked for a line.

Angel:Thinks for a second, then grins evilly: Actually, that line was SO bad, I think you deserve to be punished. :Grabs SoFaRo by the arm and drags him to her room:

SoFaRo: NOOOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T GO IN FOR THAT KIND OF SH-T!

Zelda: ...a match made in heaven.

2bc!

Oh yeah, before I go, here are some questions that may or may not be answered in the next chapter:

What the hell is Brak smoking!

Where can I get some?

Have Red XIII and Yuffie gotten to second base?

Will Zelda ever get her porn back?

All this and more, on the next episode of:

PLOTS

WEREN'T

PROVIDED!

See you space cowboy...


	10. This page has moved!

Plots Weren't Provided!  
Episode 10: This page has moved!  
By: Sovios Falchion Romantic!

Scene: Some room in Figaro Castle. Kefka and Celes are standing in the middle,  
looking at the audience. Kefka's dressed like he usually is, and Celes is  
dressed like a dominatrix, complete with whip.

Kefka: Welcome, friends!  
Celes: Shut UP, Kefka! --Whip-crack!--  
Kefka: But SoFaRo wanted us to introduce the chapter!  
Celes: Then I'LL introduce it, you just go... I don't know, go hump that  
goddess statue you seem to love so much!  
Kefka: O-KAY! --Runs offscreen--  
Celes: Much better. --Sweetly-- Oh Terra, could you please come out here?

Terra walks onscreen, dressed like a submissive--

Terra: You called, mistress?  
Celes: Yes, I did. --Hits Terra with the butt of the whip-- On your knees,  
bitch!  
Terra: Sorry, mistress! --Kneels--  
Celes: Now, slave, I want you to help me introduce this chapter!  
Terra: But mistress, didn't Sovios tell you?  
Celes: Didn't he tell me WHAT?  
Terra: This chapter was SO risqué, he decided to post it exclusively on his  
website!  
Celes: WHAT! --Whips Terra-- WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO! --To the audience--  
YOU HEARD MY SLAVE! GET YOUR SORRY, WORTHLESS ASSES OVER TO  
SOFARO'S WEBSITE IMMEDIATELY! YOUR MISTRESS COMMANDS  
YOU! --Whip-crack!--  
--Fade to black (it's a great Metallica song, by the way)--

Okay! The next chapter will probably be written differently. You'll see why  
when it comes up. Just don't call "abuse" on me when you see it, mmkay?


End file.
